Trailer Wife

One of my favorite all-time poets, Louise Glück , once said, "Of two sisters, one is always the watcher, one the dancer."

Heidi and I have traded off over the years, I think. We've taken turns appalling each other, forgiving, brunching, gossiping, wining, dusting off and clinging to each other. Almost every time we are together we find a moment to comment on the amazing fact that we both managed to escape from the little timber town we grew up in without an unplanned pregnancy or a drug habit. After the bitter feuds of our teenage years, we find ourselves (or at least I do) a little stunned by how strong our connection is - not just as siblings, but as humans and women.

So yesterday, when Heidi surprised me with a massage and manicure at a Fairbanks day spa, I chose the color "We'll Always Have Paris," from OPI, thinking of the summer we spent in France in 2004. Heidi was getting married and I was getting engaged. The world was opening up in new ways for us both, ways that we never would have dreamed possible as children. I'll never forget our dramatic rendezvous outside a Parisian metro stop, driving through the French countryside, eating Steak and Frites in Poitier. Louise Gluck also said that "We only look at the world once, in childhood. Everything else is memory." But here I disagree. Because Heidi is a part of my childhood, perhaps, it seems I can only really see the world clearly when we are together. It makes our separation feel profoundly unfair.

The last few months have been a struggle for me. And more than anything, I find myself coming back to this idea - that is it so UNFAIR that I don't get to live near my family. The circumstances of life and livelihood notwithstanding, I am suddenly struck with how often I have taken them for granted. It makes me want to start a family compound in somewhere like Utah, where we grow our own food, build beautifully simple furniture, and have sing-a-longs by the fire after dinner. (Or maybe that's my Laura Ingalls Wilder fantasy...) Sigh.

What makes me feel better? Wet eyelashes. I love wet, clumpy, baby eyelashes. Here's Gus working on his floating skills, and sporting some pretty cool hair.




And as a special treat, here is a Gluck poem that I like a lot.

The Red Poppy

The great thing
is not having
a mind. Feelings:
oh, I have those; they
govern me. I have
a lord in heaven
called the sun, and open
for him, showing him
the fire of my own heart, fire
like his presence.
What could such glory be
if not a heart? Oh my brothers and sisters,
were you like me once, long ago,
before you were human? Did you
permit yourselves
to open once, who would never
open again? Because in truth
I am speaking now
the way you do. I speak
because I am shattered.